Charlie Changes Into a Chicken Read online

  ‘Yeah?’ said Charlie hopefully. He didn’t really care about the apology; he just needed his friends back.

  ‘We should have believed what you said. We should have trusted you. And we’re sorry. Sorry.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Mohsen. ‘Sorry.’

  ‘Soz,’ said Wogan.

  Charlie’s heart swelled. He felt it might burst out of his chest with happiness.

  ‘You know what? I don’t blame you guys. It IS mad. I wouldn’t believe me either. I’d think I was bananas too, if I was you. So let’s just forget about it, OK? And hey – guess what?’

  ‘What?’ they all replied excitedly.

  ‘You won’t believe who can actually prove my story is real …’

  ‘I can’t believe who can actually prove your story is real,’ said Flora, with a disbelieving shake of the head.

  ‘Nor can I,’ said Mohsen, also with a disbelieving shake of the head.

  ‘I actually can. I believe you, Charlie,’ said Wogan, scowling at Mohsen and Flora. ‘I mean, come on, guys – it’s terrible that, after all that apologizing, you’re saying you don’t believe Charlie again. We’ve been through this.’

  ‘No! We do believe Charlie! It was just a phrase. We only meant it’s surprising that it’s Dylan,’ said Flora.

  Wogan looked slightly blanker than usual, if possible.

  ‘Never mind, Wogan,’ Flora said, looking at him like he was a puppy with three legs learning to walk. ‘Anyway,’ she continued, ‘we now know that Charlie changing wasn’t just a one-off. It’s happened twice. Charlie – you need help. We need to work out what exactly is going on with you. And then maybe we can find a cure. So I have constructed a plan. We are going to use Science!’

  ‘Yes!’ said Mohsen, thumping a fist into his palm.

  ‘Yes!’ said Charlie, clapping his hands.

  ‘Yes!’ said Wogan. ‘Of course! We can draw a picture of the water cycle! And then we can – hang on, what use is science?’

  ‘Because, Wogan, science is what we use when there is a mystery,’ replied Flora patiently. ‘Science gives us answers to questions. If it wasn’t for science we’d still be living in caves, spending all day hunting sabre-tooth tigers and lying around in mammoth-wool underpants.’

  ‘That actually sounds pretty wicked-cool,’ replied Wogan.

  The others couldn’t help but agree.

  ‘And there’d be no school,’ Wogan continued. ‘And we wouldn’t have to get jobs when we’re older. In fact, I don’t think I like science very much.’

  Flora sighed.

  ‘What about medicine? And space travel? And the internet? Or PlayStation? That’s ALL science. And now we’re going to use science to work out what on earth is happening to Charlie,’ Flora said firmly.

  ‘And we need to do it super-fast too,’ agreed Mohsen. ‘You know, before Charlie changes again. In case he doesn’t change back to a human.’

  Charlie groaned. ‘Oh, thanks a bunch, Mohsen. I hadn’t even thought of that happening. That’s ANOTHER thing for me to worry about. But you’re right. We need to work out what’s going on quickly. It’s the school play in two weeks, and I can’t be turning into an animal in front of the whole school.’

  ‘The school play where you’re starring as Sad Potato Number 1?’ said Mohsen.

  ‘Yes. That’s right, Mohsen. The school play where I’m starring as Sad Potato Number 1,’ replied Charlie. ‘It’s an important role. Do you have anything to say about that?’

  ‘No,’ Mohsen replied in a small voice.

  ‘Well, it might be good if you did change,’ Wogan said. ‘You know, if you became a tiger or a T. rex or something and scared everyone away, then at least I wouldn’t have to do my final song and kiss Cara Cotton.’

  ‘Don’t be daft, Wogan,’ said Flora. ‘We’ve been through this before. It would not be good at all. What will happen to Charlie if he suddenly turns into an animal in front of the whole school?’

  ‘He could do a poo on –’

  ‘No, Wogan. You are poo-obsessed. I’ll tell you what will happen. If Charlie changes into an animal at the play, the teachers will call the police and the police will call the government and the government will call the scientists. And then Charlie will get taken away and experimented on. He’ll get operated on, Wogan. Dissected.’

  ‘THANK YOU VERY MUCH BUT CAN YOU ALL STOP GIVING ME NEW THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT THAT I HADN’T EVEN THOUGHT OF!’ Charlie shouted.

  ‘Don’t panic,’ said Flora confidently. ‘We’re going to use science so you don’t have to worry!’

  ‘So …’ Wogan was thinking hard. ‘We’re going to use science to stop the scientists? If science is so good, shouldn’t we just, you know …?’

  ‘No, I don’t know, Wogan,’ said Flora, getting more and more agitated. ‘Are you suggesting we hand Charlie over to scientists? So they can cut him into tiny pieces and examine him under a microscope?’

  ‘CAN YOU ALL STOP TALKING IMMEDIATELY NOW PLEASE!’ Charlie yelled.

  ‘Right,’ said Flora, ignoring Charlie. ‘So here’s my plan. We need to find out WHAT causes the change in Charlie. We know it isn’t light because it has happened during the day and the night. We know it isn’t heat because it wasn’t really hot or cold when it happened last time. I have also ruled out electricity, radiation and space dust.’

  ‘How have you ruled out space dust?’ asked Mohsen, looking puzzled.

  ‘Don’t ask questions. It’s just science, OK?’ said Flora dismissively. ‘We can discount animal bites, because you turned into a bird. Unless you have been bitten by a bird recently and forgotten to mention it?’

  ‘I haven’t,’ Charlie said.

  ‘You haven’t been shot with a laser or struck by lightning?’

  ‘Uh, no,’ Charlie said, shaking his head.

  ‘You haven’t been given a magic ring?’

  ‘Nope.’

  ‘Or been part of an experimental army programme?’

  ‘What? No!’

  ‘And you definitely haven’t been kidnapped by space aliens?’

  ‘Do you not think I might have mentioned that before?’ replied Charlie. ‘Do you not think I might have said, “Oh, hey, guys, guess what, I got kidnapped by space aliens last night”? No! I have not been kidnapped by space aliens!’

  ‘That you know of,’ said Wogan with a meaningful look.

  ‘What?’ said Charlie.

  ‘You might have been asleep. Or the aliens might have wiped your memory. That’s what happened to my Uncle Harry in America. Wiped his memory completely.’

  ‘Then how did he remember that aliens kidnapped him?’ asked Mohsen.

  ‘Because he was found in the neighbours’ barn wearing just his wellies and he couldn’t remember how he got there. So it must have been aliens.’

  ‘We are getting distracted,’ said Flora. ‘We are going to have to assume that it wasn’t aliens, because we have no evidence that they kidnapped Charlie.’

  ‘OK. Well, that’s a lot of things that it isn’t. What do you think it is?’ asked Charlie.

  ‘Well – and there’s no easy way to say this, Charlie – I think you’re a mutant. A genetic freak of nature.’

  ‘Thanks a bunch, Flora.’

  ‘No. It’s cool. The closest comparison I can make is the Incredible Hulk. When he is angry he turns into a big green monster. I think what’s happening with you is that when you’re scared you turn into an animal.’

  Mohsen, Wogan and Charlie stood in silence for a moment, taking this in.

  ‘You see,’ continued Flora, ‘you were scared of having to see Ms Fyre and you were even more scared about having to tell your parents, so you turned into a pigeon. And you first changed into a spider after you visited your brother in hospital and found out about his scan and the operation and obviously …’ Flora let the sentence hang in the air unfinished.

  Charlie squirmed uncomfortably. ‘Hmm. OK, let’s say it’s true. I’m not saying it is, but let’s just sa
y it is. How do we test your theory?’ he asked.

  ‘Ah!’ said Flora, one finger pointing in the air. ‘That’s the fun bit.’

  It was a beautiful Saturday morning. The sun was shining, just the odd small white cloud scudding high across the sky. It was not the sort of day that Charlie felt like facing pretty certain death.

  But we don’t always get what we want in life.

  And Charlie was finding that out the hard way.

  ‘This really, really, REALLY does not feel safe at all, guys.’

  The four were at the top of Bandit’s Hill. Bandit’s Hill was the hill in their local park. It was high and steep, and commanded beautiful views of the surrounding countryside.

  But Charlie didn’t really care that the hill commanded beautiful views of the surrounding countryside right now, thank you very much, because right now Charlie was at the very top of the hill, sitting in a dilapidated old go-kart.

  Wogan’s dad had made the go-kart a few years ago, and Wogan’s dad was not a good go-kart maker.

  In fact, it would be fair to say that Wogan’s dad was the worst go-kart maker ever to actually make a go-kart.fn1 He had essentially attached a pair of wheels to each end of a box. There wasn’t even a steering wheel. There was, however, a brake, which was just a stick that, when pushed, merely dragged along the ground. Or, more accurately, there had been a brake, but Flora had spent the last twenty minutes carefully unscrewing it. When the go-kart was finally brake-less, Flora announced that the experiment was ready.

  Staring down at the very steep, very long and very bumpy descent in front of him gave Charlie a weird feeling in his stomach and his bum. Ahead of him he saw, at best, severe injury, and, at worst, a tragic end to his brief life. And one child in hospital was enough for his parents, Charlie thought.

  ‘You want me to go down the hill in this … this box-on-wheels WITHOUT any brakes? That is deadly dangerous, Flora.’

  ‘Don’t be daft, Charlie!’ said Flora. ‘It is not deadly dangerous!’

  It was deadly dangerous.

  ‘But this thing,’ said Charlie, pointing around him at the go-kart, ‘is an absolute deathtrap.’

  ‘Oh, Charlie!’ said Flora. ‘It is not an absolute deathtrap!’

  It was an absolute deathtrap.

  ‘Look,’ continued Flora. ‘It’s the only way to find out for certain whether my theory is correct. We need you to be scared. If it had brakes, you wouldn’t be scared.’

  ‘But I don’t want to die,’ said Charlie in a small voice.

  ‘Pull yourself together, Charlie,’ said Flora, sounding increasingly exasperated. ‘Do you really think I would put you in any real danger just to prove a theory?’

  ‘I guess not …’

  She absolutely would.

  ‘Exactly. Do you think Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were scared when they went to the moon? Probably, but they did it anyway, because it was for the good of mankind. And if we can prove my theory and actually observe you change into an animal, it will be like landing on the moon, Charlie.’

  Mohsen and Wogan just stood there in noticeable silence. Their faces, though, betrayed a mixture of guilt, fear and panic.

  ‘OK … OK. Let’s do it,’ said Charlie, deeply uncertain. It was impossible to say no to Flora.

  ‘Awesome! You’re super-brave, Charlie! I knew you’d do it! You’re a hero.’

  Against his better judgement, Charlie felt a glow in his chest and started blushing at Flora’s words.

  ‘Pass me the helmet!’ said Charlie.

  ‘Passing you the helmet, sir!’ said Flora.

  Charlie tied the helmet on, and gripped the side of the deathtrap go-kart. He let go for a short moment to give a proud salute to his friends. Mohsen and Wogan gave solemn, mournful salutes back. Flora bent behind the go-kart and gripped it, ready to start pushing.

  Charlie swallowed, a ball of terror rolling in his stomach.

  There was a moment of perfect silence.

  The world held its breath.

  Just the wind softly ruffling Charlie’s hair.

  Parp!

  That was Charlie, accidentally letting out a little terror-fart.

  Flora, who was bent down directly behind Charlie’s bum, grimaced.

  ‘Ugh, Charlie!’

  But then, with as much strength as he could muster, Charlie shouted through his fear.

  ‘Go!’

  At Charlie’s word, Flora began running as fast as she could, pushing the go-kart and Charlie down the hill. Almost immediately Charlie was going so fast that Flora couldn’t keep up and had to let go. She stood, watching proudly as Charlie disappeared at a quite alarming speed.

  Meanwhile, as Charlie started speeding down the hill, a number of thoughts came very, very quickly to his mind. They were:

  1. He was travelling very, very fast – much faster than he thought was possible in a go-kart – and he was absolutely going to die.

  2. He should not have had the vanilla milkshake and apple juice before he attempted the ride. It was now sloshing about in his stomach and he was almost certainly going to puke before he died. If he ever did this again, which he would NEVER, EVER do, he would learn from this mistake.

  3. He should have brought a cushion because every single jolt and judder of the deathtrap go-kart was causing his bum to bang on the wooden base of the barf-inducing, bum-banging, kamikaze death-machine go-kart, and he was now going to die with a really sore bum. Covered in barf.

  Charlie was now pretty experienced in what to do in emergency situations such as this, where he was in grave personal danger.

  And that was to panic.

  ‘FLARGGLE - WARRRBLLE - FNARGGHGH - GU - GU - GU - GU - GU - WAARRGH!’ he screamed.

  ‘GUUUUUUUUUUUURGHHH - GUH - GUH - GUH - BABABABABAB - FWURNGHHHHHHH!’ he continued.

  Now obviously this wasn’t what Charlie intended to shout. But the combination of the shaking and shuddering kart, the wind blowing into his wide-open mouth, and the terror of barfing and imminent death meant his words came out sounding like a big hairy baboon doing a massive fart in the bath.

  It is unfortunately not possible to provide a direct translation of what Charlie was trying to say, because half of the words he was attempting to scream were words that would get an immediate and extremely severe punishment from his parents. And probably from your parents too. And my parents as well, actually, so I’m certainly not going to write them down here. If I did, I’d probably get in trouble with all parents everywhere, and that’s the last thing anybody would want to deal with. Can you imagine being in trouble with ALL parents EVERYWHERE? Sheesh.

  So, the polite, parent-friendly translation of what Charlie screamed was:

  ‘GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME, I AM IN QUITE CONSIDERABLE FEAR FOR MY LIFE AND I SINCERELY REGRET AGREEING TO PARTAKE IN THIS LUDICROUS SCHEME!’ he screamed.

  ‘I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO EXIT THIS GO-KART NOW BEFORE I SUFFER, AT BEST, SERIOUS INJURY AND, AT WORST, DEATH. AND I FEEL I MIGHT BE ABOUT TO BE SICK. AND MY BOTTOM IS IN A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN!’ he continued.

  Screaming, however, was doing little to help Charlie’s perilous situation. And frankly there was very little he could do that would help his perilous situation. Impossibly he was going faster than before. People were literally diving out of the way of the out-of-control, rampaging go-kart. Dogs were chasing Charlie, barking furiously as they raced behind him, but they were losing the race. Other people were using their phones to record the scene. The videos were immediately uploaded to YouTube with titles like ‘Insane boy flying downhill in deadly go-kart’, ‘Mad screaming kid faces certain death in deathtrap’ and ‘Boy does nervous little fart in a kart then screams gibberish’. Before he was halfway down the hill Charlie was already famous on the internet.

  But by the time Charlie was halfway down the hill that’s not what Charlie was thinking about. By that time Charlie was unable to think any thoughts at all. The speed at which he was now travelling made thought impossible. The
world had reduced to a blur. It was only as he approached the bottom of Bandit’s Hill at roughly the speed of a space rocket that another thought sprang into his mind, and it was that he was about to get very wet.

  At the bottom of the hill was a short stretch of grass, with a number of people stretched out on it, enjoying the early-morning sunshine.

  And beyond that was Bandit’s Lake.

  It was a small lake. More of a pond, really. But it was cold. And full of ducks. And Charlie was headed straight for it.

  How neither Flora, Mohsen, Wogan nor Charlie had realized that hurtling straight into the water was the most likely outcome of his ride was a mystery that should be analysed in depth, if he survived.

  But now was not the time.

  Charlie hit the bottom of the hill faster than a cheetah running for an ice-cream van on the hottest day of the year.

  More people dived out the way, screaming, as he barrelled towards them. He crashed through a picnic, squashing sandwiches and knocking over drinks. A kite, ripped from the hands of a terrified child, got caught in the wheels of the kart, and fluttered behind it as he plunged towards the lake.

  Charlie closed his eyes.

  The kart hit a small rise just before the edge, and flew into the air.

  It hung there for the briefest second, like a mad, out-of-control deathtrap go-kart hanging in the air.

  Ducks scattered, quacking in terror, not quite believing that a small boy in a go-kart was about to plunge into their pond.

  An almighty splash.

  The cold hit Charlie and took his breath away.

  He bobbed to the surface, gasping for breath, and swam as quickly as he could for shore. He crawled out, reeds plastered to his head, and collapsed on to his back, panting and staring into the blue sky. Mutters of disbelief and shock rumbled through the crowd gathering around him.

  He let the sun warm his skin and his soaking clothes.

  It was then that the realization sank in.

  He hadn’t changed into an animal.

  Flora was wrong.

  They still had no idea why he was changing. And he only had a week and a half until the school play.